An Attempted Mugging In Savannah

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night
Before last./*

Date: 2009-07-27, 1:43 A M EST.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you
Demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on
Me and my girlfriend threatening our lives. You also asked for
My girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I can only hope that you
Somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment, I didn’t
Expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol
After you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I
Was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP
Pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster
For it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very
Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head … Isn’t it!

I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d
Come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I’m sure it was
Even worse walking bare footed since I made you leave your
Shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from
Calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother, or “Momma” as you had her listed in
Your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done.
Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other
people’s in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with
The big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeles s guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s,
Along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I
Then threw your wallet into the big pink “pimp mobile” that was
Parked at the curb… After I broke the windshield and side
Window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell
Phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used
The phone for a little over a day now, so what’s going on with
That? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls
To the DA’s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning
President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really
Intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced
Your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you … But
I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate
Punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try
To sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues,
And can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon,
And perhaps reconsider the career path you’ve chosen to pursue
In life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

P.S. Remember this motto…

An armed society makes for a more civil
Society!

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